E is for Erotica.

Erotica. The slutty, messy-haired friend of chic lit. The friend who wears unsuitable shoes and who always seems to have boys hanging round her. The friend who has more love bites you can shake a rampant rabbit at and whose tops are always slightly too low cut, her lipstick always slightly too red and just a teensy bit smudged. The kind of friend you hung out with because your mum hated her. The kind of friend you tutted at while secretly wanting to be her a little bit.

Everybody has an opinion about it. Lots of people look down on it and lots of people think they can write it. After all, it’s not proper writing is it? It’s just describing sex. There’s no art to it, it’s not like writing a literary masterpiece, you just have to know how to put one word after another. Readers of Erotica aren’t really interested in a story, they’re just skim reading until they get to the dirty bits, yes?

I’ve read, and edited, enough Erotica to know that no, not everybody can do it and yes, there is an art to it. One of my biggest problems is when writers charge headlong into a story, not caring about the details. We need details, details are important, whatever you’re writing about. We need to be able to picture it in our heads.

I once read a story in which a couple were having sex in the woman’s flat. In her bedroom to be precise. He had her up against the wall (something that surely happens in films more than it does in real life? Unless you’re both exactly the same height or carry around a little box to stand on, a bit like Tom Cruise with Katie whatsername). Anyway, there they were, up against the wall, when she wraps her leg around his waist. A bit more snogging and heavy breathing, then she puts her other leg on the bed. I admit to a tinge of scepticism here, but mainly out of bitterness because the only way I’d be able to do that, at the same time as having a leg round his waist, is if someone had set up some kind of complicated pulley system beforehand, complete with weights and ropes.

However, a few minutes later, she’s putting her other leg on the bedside table. Nobody had mentioned her third leg before. Where did it come from? Is it a euphemism? Have I got one and nobody’s told me about it? That can happen. It wasn’t that long ago that I found out that I didn’t have a prostate and I’m 40 and studied Biology at school.

So please, think about these things. It needs to be real, not Fifty Shades of Twister with someone in the background shouting ‘Right nipple, left hand’ while you sliver around on a spotty plastic sheet. Although if that is your ‘thing’, of course I fully support you.




Filed under Uncategorized

13 responses to “E is for Erotica.

  1. ropstenbk

    I quite like the rope and pulley idea, it’s very boat. Might have to use that…

  2. Fifty Shades being successful just shows how low education has really fallen. Excellent ‘E’ thanks.

  3. Debbie W

    Brilliant. Mind you, this could have been a story about Jake the Peg’s daughter for all we know.

    I’ve read enough erotica to know not everyone can do it. I know I certainly can’t (yet). There is definitely a skill to writing erotica, just as there is a special something needed for stories for People’s Friend. One in particular is make sure you don’t get the two stories mixed up and send them off to the wrong addresses.

    I never felt a need to read Fifty Shades so can’t comment on it.

    Good luck with A-Zedding.


    • Thank you, you too.
      I feel bad now, for ridiculing Jake the Peg’s daughter. I also have that song in my head!!
      50 Shades of People’s Friend….when I make my fortune writing this I’ll give you a cut 🙂

  4. I remember the days when erotica was considered a part of porn. Today, it’s all independent. Nice blog.

    From A to Z Challenge,
    Sonnia J. Kemmer

    • Thanks, good luck with the challenge.
      I think there’s been a huge change in how people see erotica, I didn’t particularly like 50 shades but I think it helped. It also opened the flood gates for some really bad erotica too though…

  5. Oh so true! Your post made me giggle! And I agree, not everyone can write erotica. I have read some that I swore a virgin wrote and when I say virgin, I mean a virgin without a clue. 🙂

    Another A to Z-er,

  6. Was it a virgin with 3 legs by any chance??

  7. I’m not a reader of erotica,but you’ve got me curious now…hmmm,ropes and pulleys,3 legs.I must read this.. Ha,loved this blog.Very amusing 🙂

  8. Kate Boardman

    Three legged erotica? That’s not a whole new world, it’s a whole new universe. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s