X is for …X

X is for Ex. Or cross. As in making someone cross, or crossing someone. Either way, I have some questions for you.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a writer?

Have you ever been friends with a writer?

Have you ever worked with a writer?

Have you ever been at a party with a writer?

Have you ever walked down a street at the same time as a writer?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then the chances are you are in a book somewhere, albeit nicely disguised. As in, you’ll have different coloured hair and a slight name change, you may even have a smaller/bigger nose/ bottom (delete as applicable), but you’ll be in there somewhere.

You can relax though, I’m sure they wrote about you in a good way. I’m sure that once you work out which one you are, you’ll be proud to show your grandchildren and work colleagues. Unless of course you upset them in some way, in which case you’re doomed.

Writers are often quite introverted, they’re not really your typical confrontational shouty kind of person. You might think that when you dumped them/said something slightly mean/annoyed them a bit, that their quiet unassuming manner would result in a bit of moodiness, some sighing and a few passive-aggressive ‘It’s FINE…’ comments.

Think again. They are quiet because they’re wondering whether to make you the murderer or the victim. They’re imagining you in a sex scene where you can’t get it up. You are that mean girl in the story, the middle aged man with an arrogance problem. This is what they do. They immortalise you forever in the worst way possible. It’s cheaper than therapy, more socially acceptable than punching you in the face and it feels great.

But please don’t let this worry you, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just remember this. You are never more than five nasty comments away from ending up as ‘the fat naked man/woman who died in the bath, holding a vacuum attachment/cucumber’. You’re very welcome.


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6 responses to “X is for …X

  1. Boy oh boy, better not upset you in a hurry, I did say I’m a fan:))
    Liked the ‘you’re very welcome’, lol.
    maggie at expat brazil

  2. Hmm. I might have to try this for some people…

    Truthfully though, I don’t think I write people I know into books. Almost all of my characters are completely made up, and if there is any resemblance to anyone I know, it truly is accidental.

    Rinelle Grey

    • I find it impossible to write a character and not have at least part of their personality/appearance/mannerisms based on someone I know in real life, even if it’s subconsciously. I’d never use a whole person, just parts of lots of different people. And yes, there have been two people who have upset me badly who have ended up as characters…

  3. When we were in student accommodation there was an aspiring writer. He wasn’t very subtle. would sit in the corner at parties, scribbling in his notebook. Sometimes he would actually break off from conversation and write something in his book. We all came to dread ‘The Book”!

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