Monthly Archives: December 2014

Reasons I’m angry.

This is my last blog post of the year. I should be banging on about New Years resolutions that remind you that you’re not good enough/thin enough/sober enough/productive enough. But we all know that’s just nonsense and you should give yourself a break.

So instead I’m going to answer a question that a couple of people have asked after reading my blog, which is – ‘why are you so angry?’

I don’t really think of myself as angry, more wearily accepting of it all. I’ve written about the importance of feminism before, here and explained that while I feel strongly, I’m not about to throw myself under a horse any time soon.

But if I am angry, there are plenty of reasons why. Here are just a few.

  • Because nothing seems to have changed, we take one step forwards and two steps back.

  • Because even on the eve of 2015 women who don’t want children are patronised and seen as unnatural, they make us nervous and constantly have to explain themselves in a way men who don’t want children don’t. But then conversely, women who do have children are seen as mindless. They don’t contribute to society in a way that anyone can understand or measure, so they disappear for a while until there is a point to them again. Women who go back to work have to explain themselves, as do women who want to stay at home with their kids. The really sad thing is that most of this explaining is to other women.

  • Because it still seems that women are either attractive or clever and people still express surprise when they are both. There’s an idea that women who like things like make-up are shallow, as if every bit of make up you wear burns another brain cell. Surely there’s not enough room in the female brain to hold information about eye-liner AND politics? So be pretty at all times, but not too pretty, or too fat. Or too thin either actually as either way you’ll be picked on. Please keep up. *Disclaimer: Society reserves the right to change these rules randomly, and with no logic.

  • Because everyone tells you to breastfeed but then expects you to do it out of sight. It’s exhausting. One minute we’re being told to get them out, then we have to put them away again because we didn’t get them out in the right way, or we got them out too much or they didn’t look right or Nigel Farage was tired and feeling a bit offended by breasts. Jeez, it’s like you women think they belong to you or something.

  • Because women are still blamed for ‘getting themselves’ raped. We can send a space probe to Mars and grow a human ear on a rat’s back, but when a man rapes an unconscious woman the emphasis is still on what SHE did. Male instincts and impulses are still used as a defence and it’s the woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t provoke these by adjusting her behaviour, preferably by wearing more and drinking less and just generally being less noticeable. There are all kinds of guidelines out there about how to avoid being raped, they even have ads on the back of buses. It’s maybe time to have a few guidelines out there for men to help them avoid raping in the first place, but what do I know.

  • Because women are still separated into stereotypes. They either talk about fluff and nonsense, or are planning their dungaree-clad revenge on poor, unsuspecting men who are only trying to hold the damn door open! They are witches or sluts or nags or virgins and women still feel they should laugh along at this shit in case they come across as a man-hating, vagina-studying killjoy who can’t take a joke.

  • Because we’re still having to apologise for our sexuality. If we want sex we’re sluts and if we don’t we’re frigid. Society wants to sexualise women at every opportunity but only on certain terms, the minute women try to take control of their own sexuality it has to be legislated against to remind them that they still need men. It’s fine to want sex, as long as it’s the right kind of sex and at the right time.

  • Because I was recently told (by a man from a privileged, male-dominated background) that women ‘haven’t had it too bad really’, and that the reason there aren’t as many classic writers/artists etc is because women just aren’t as good at that kind of thing. Also, the pay gap is a myth and the reason a woman earns three-quarters of a man’s salary in a comparable job is because the lazy cow is hardly at work because of all her kids and periods and ripping her tights or having a bad hair day or something.

  • Because on more than one occasion, I have had to explain to my daughters why an unknown man in the street asked to look at Mummy’s tits.

  • Because apparently there are men out there who will pay good money to be taught how to get a woman into bed. Presumably there is nothing more erotic than having sex with a partner who had to be tricked into bed with you. Phwoarr, where do I sign up?

  • Because in films and on TV they still have ditsy, blonde characters and strong female leads are in the minority. There’ll be the odd one here and there but she’ll probably have issues with drink or sex. There’ll be some major flaw, something to reassure us and explain why she’s not at home ironing her husband’s shirts like a normal woman. They are never just there on their own merit, these freaks of nature. And she wont have big breasts, because the big breasted women are just that, the big-breasted woman. Their enormous bosoms literally fill the screen, leaving no room for anything like a personality. If they do manage to hoist a big breasted woman on screen using heavy-duty pulleys and a wheelbarrow then she’ll be the one killed off first.

  • Because our daughters are singing along to songs by men telling them that even though you’re saying no, they know you mean yes.

  • Because when a woman, particularly one in the public eye, makes a mistake or has an affair, or takes a naked photo of herself, she is a slut, a whore, a bad mother, a bad person. A man makes a mistake, has an affair, takes a naked photo of himself, he is a loveable rogue, he is just a good person who made a bad decision and was probably forced to act that way by a woman flaunting her wares without consideration for his natural, manly urges. He’s just being a man, something that has an edge of pride, while acting like a woman is an insult.

These are just a few things and I don’t expect you to feel the same, or even agree with me. Everyone has their own stuff, whether it’s politics or the arts or fashion or human rights or teapots or donkeys, just as long as there are things out there that make you feel something, anything. So if you are out there wondering why I’m so angry, maybe stop a minute and ask yourself why you are not.

And with that jolly little piece I’ll wish you all a Happy New Year. Thanks for reading.


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If a woman sits in a corner breastfeeding and then ejaculates in a forest…or something.

Ah women. What messes have you been getting yourselves into now? I turn my back for a couple of weeks and there you go, flaunting yourselves shamelessly, ostentatiously even, all over the place. Feeding your babies like it’s the most natural thing in the world, in a public place! Put them away! Don’t be fooled by all those ads everywhere that show breasts; those are different breasts, silly, different rules. Please keep up. We want to see your boobs whenever we can, just as long as there’s some kind of sexual angle to them that we can use to sell stuff, anything else makes us nervous. All that mysterious female stuff that suggests you’re not just here for a man’s sexual pleasure is not on, so stop it.

It seems that some people actually get offended by seeing a breastfeeding woman, but hey, who can blame them? We’ve all seen them, sitting with their cappuccinos, tops off, tits out, wearing party hats and sparkly comedy specs, shouting ‘hey everyone, get a load of these bad boys!’ at the top of their voices while squirting milk into their babies mouths from across the room, shouting ‘Bullseye!’ when it hits the target. No? What do you mean every breastfeeding woman you’ve ever seen (and all the ones you haven’t seen because you haven’t even noticed them) has just been sat quietly with a baby tucked under her top? Where’s the fun in that?

Those babies are all me, me, me demanding to be fed, just like a real person. Wont somebody think of poor Nigel Farage!

I read some of the comments in one of the many articles about this and one man compared feeding a baby in public to a couple having sex in public. Having breastfed two babies without showing anyone my vagina, I can only assume I was doing it wrong.

Talking about sex in public and double standards I really need to talk about porn this week. But don’t panic, it’ll be fine, my dad doesn’t read my blog anyway and even if he did he would have stopped reading this last year when I wrote about swearing and made everyone say the C-word out loud.

Whatever your feelings about porn, it’s here to stay and this week it was subjected to some new restrictions about what can and can’t be shown in online porn. Just remember, this is for our own good.

These things include the use of power tools (don’t ask, and for the love of God, don’t google that), caning, water sports and face sitting among many other things that are perfectly normal to be into.

I don’t like any kind of censorship, it’s a slippery slope, if we let this happen, what’s next?

But also, it worries me that a lot of the things in this list are things that depict female pleasure. It seems that anything goes, as long as it’s a women being dominated or degraded and not a man.

Female ejaculation can’t be shown, partly because it’s dangerous (it could be wee! Wee I tell you, and we all know how risky that stuff is) and there is some uncertainty about whether it even exists. There is no proof, no proper scientific proof done by a proper scientific man, so it must be nonsense. It sounds like a case of ‘if a woman ejaculates in a forest but there is no man there to understand it, did it really happen?’ but hey what do I know. Just out of interest though, it is perfectly acceptable to show a man, or indeed many men, ejaculating over a woman, or to show a woman having a big penis shoved down her throat until she gags, but god forbid we should see anything that suggests a woman is enjoying herself.

You could argue that this is a good thing because porn is degrading to women, but if that’s the case change the industry itself, not the actual content. And whatever you do, don’t tell us what we can and can’t fantasise about, especially not under the guise of protecting us. There’s no point pretending to be on our side when at the same time you’d need a blindfold not to have seen all the trailers around for the 50 Shades of Grey film, and all the other films and TV programmes out there that regularly depict women being dominated or degraded either sexually or emotionally.

The message here is that female sexuality, like female ejaculation and breasts, is an unknown thing and needs to be controlled.

And one last thing. In football a woman scored a goal, a really good goal. Did everybody see it? Yes? Good. Now can we please shut up about it or we run the risk of being more offensive than we’re trying so hard not to be.


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