Ah women. What messes have you been getting yourselves into now? I turn my back for a couple of weeks and there you go, flaunting yourselves shamelessly, ostentatiously even, all over the place. Feeding your babies like it’s the most natural thing in the world, in a public place! Put them away! Don’t be fooled by all those ads everywhere that show breasts; those are different breasts, silly, different rules. Please keep up. We want to see your boobs whenever we can, just as long as there’s some kind of sexual angle to them that we can use to sell stuff, anything else makes us nervous. All that mysterious female stuff that suggests you’re not just here for a man’s sexual pleasure is not on, so stop it.
It seems that some people actually get offended by seeing a breastfeeding woman, but hey, who can blame them? We’ve all seen them, sitting with their cappuccinos, tops off, tits out, wearing party hats and sparkly comedy specs, shouting ‘hey everyone, get a load of these bad boys!’ at the top of their voices while squirting milk into their babies mouths from across the room, shouting ‘Bullseye!’ when it hits the target. No? What do you mean every breastfeeding woman you’ve ever seen (and all the ones you haven’t seen because you haven’t even noticed them) has just been sat quietly with a baby tucked under her top? Where’s the fun in that?
Those babies are all me, me, me demanding to be fed, just like a real person. Wont somebody think of poor Nigel Farage!
I read some of the comments in one of the many articles about this and one man compared feeding a baby in public to a couple having sex in public. Having breastfed two babies without showing anyone my vagina, I can only assume I was doing it wrong.
Talking about sex in public and double standards I really need to talk about porn this week. But don’t panic, it’ll be fine, my dad doesn’t read my blog anyway and even if he did he would have stopped reading this last year when I wrote about swearing and made everyone say the C-word out loud.
Whatever your feelings about porn, it’s here to stay and this week it was subjected to some new restrictions about what can and can’t be shown in online porn. Just remember, this is for our own good.
These things include the use of power tools (don’t ask, and for the love of God, don’t google that), caning, water sports and face sitting among many other things that are perfectly normal to be into.
I don’t like any kind of censorship, it’s a slippery slope, if we let this happen, what’s next?
But also, it worries me that a lot of the things in this list are things that depict female pleasure. It seems that anything goes, as long as it’s a women being dominated or degraded and not a man.
Female ejaculation can’t be shown, partly because it’s dangerous (it could be wee! Wee I tell you, and we all know how risky that stuff is) and there is some uncertainty about whether it even exists. There is no proof, no proper scientific proof done by a proper scientific man, so it must be nonsense. It sounds like a case of ‘if a woman ejaculates in a forest but there is no man there to understand it, did it really happen?’ but hey what do I know. Just out of interest though, it is perfectly acceptable to show a man, or indeed many men, ejaculating over a woman, or to show a woman having a big penis shoved down her throat until she gags, but god forbid we should see anything that suggests a woman is enjoying herself.
You could argue that this is a good thing because porn is degrading to women, but if that’s the case change the industry itself, not the actual content. And whatever you do, don’t tell us what we can and can’t fantasise about, especially not under the guise of protecting us. There’s no point pretending to be on our side when at the same time you’d need a blindfold not to have seen all the trailers around for the 50 Shades of Grey film, and all the other films and TV programmes out there that regularly depict women being dominated or degraded either sexually or emotionally.
The message here is that female sexuality, like female ejaculation and breasts, is an unknown thing and needs to be controlled.
And one last thing. In football a woman scored a goal, a really good goal. Did everybody see it? Yes? Good. Now can we please shut up about it or we run the risk of being more offensive than we’re trying so hard not to be.