As I’ve got so much more time on my hands, and am avoiding cleaning the fridge, I’ve resurrected the blog. But don’t worry, it won’t be the usual feminist stuff because these are crazy times. Of course, there are no more feminist rants to do anyway because, as you know, this whole corona crisis is just a plot by the patriarchy to force women back into the home and be proper housewives and make bread and shit. Joking! Or am I…
So how’s your lockdown going? My lockdown plans included; learning a language, getting abs, painting the bathroom, finishing my book and getting better at sleeping. Two weeks in and none of those things have happened yet but I like to think of a lockdown like a marathon; you need to pace yourself and build up slowly or you’ll end up wrapped in a foil blanket with bleeding nipples doing a poo in the gutter. Or something.
There’s a lot of pressure to come out of this a better person, but I think we need to give ourselves a break and just get through it the best we can. Aren’t we all learning valuable lessons about ourselves anyway? This past week I learned that it is possible to get through a whole jar of peanut butter and a whole block of goats cheese in 3 days, all by myself.
I also seem to have slipped into some kind of routine that basically revolves around the following activities. I can’t remember how I managed to fit in a social life.
- Exercise, despite sabotage attempts by the cat. In my head I am like Linda Hamilton in Terminator doing pull ups in a vest in her cell, in reality I am just a sweaty, sweary woman in 40 quid’s worth of Bazalgette – league sports bra in her front room, but I have been reliably informed by the eternal optimist in my head that I will come out of this with arms like Madonna and a core of steel
- A couple of hours of work. Again, the cat is heavily involved with this. She particularly likes walking across the keyboard during important emails. At some point I have a break to moan at my husband for typing too loudly, then one of us asks if it’s too early for wine. In case you were wondering, it’s never too early, lockdown time is like dog years
- Catch up with messages on the 150 WhatsApp groups I am now part of, including the spin-off groups. By the way, completely unrelated to the previous sentence, my new lockdown-induced word is Mutification, it’s a wonderful thing and you all need to go and do it now.
- Go to the shop for essential supplies (tonic, a lemon, crisps and chorizo), commando crawl back so the neighbours don’t see that I forgot to offer to get stuff for everyone else on the street WhatsApp group.
- Free time. Ideally this should involve some kind of self improvement activity, or something that improves my living space, maybe cleaning my oven while learning Spanish. In reality I’ll spend this time muting people on facebook. I’ll then feel guilty about not copying and pasting all the things I’m supposed to copy and paste while sending any chain letter type posts straight to Blue Peter and wondering why everyone else’s family is making videos of themselves singing, while we’re just swearing. Then I’ll stress bake five batches of banana loaf and some shit bread and eat it all
- Read some conspiracy theories
- Have a disco in the kitchen, by myself
- Walk through husband’s Very Important video call while looking for clean clothes and flash all his colleagues who don’t care because it means they don’t have to look at the cat’s bumhole for 30 seconds
- Annoy my daughters. This could be by referring to their TikTok as a video and then dabbing in the wrong place, or just breathing
- Take part in a family zoom where we all talk over each other while listening to my parents argue about where to look
- In a bizarre bit of parent/child karma, remind parents that they are grounded
- Worry again about whether or not the cat’s habit of tarting herself around the neighborhood means she’s now bringing us bit of corona instead of dead birds and fleas
- Look at more Tiger King memes and seriously think about whether or not I can afford a lion
- Cook meals that nobody really wants because we’ve all been eating non-stop all day and the concept of ‘meals’ and ‘time’ no longer has meaning
- The highlight of the day, when I change out of my inside jeans into my outside jeans and go for A Walk
- Do a face mask. We might all be doomed but at least I’ll have good pores. Two weeks in and we’ve had two glycolic peels and a face full of turmeric
- Undo all the good work of the face mask by necking loads of wine and gin
- Watch ALL of Netflix. Cry at adverts
- Sometime between 1am and 5am but never for more than an hour, I’ll go to sleep and have very weird, wine/end-of -the-world induced dreams. And remember this lockdown top tip – nothing clears a room quicker than the words ‘shall I tell you about the dream I had last night?’
So keep going, people, look after each other and stay safe. Also, there’s a lot of lockdown shaming going on and a lot of anger towards people who are maybe not doing lockdown how you think they should be doing lockdown. They’re not idiots, they’re just trying to get through a situation none of us has ever had to deal with before, so be nice.
I’ll see you in the pub once this is all over, and I will hug you ALL.