I was going to blog about the things I’ve learnt in 2021. It probably would have been brilliant. And very insightful. You’d all have come away from it feeling wiser and at peace with the world. But I started that blog post then went for a walk to clear my head and some man brushed up against me, as in his body actually touched mine, his hands on my waist, when there really wasn’t any need to be so close to me and I decided that actually, I don’t want to talk about what I’ve learnt this year, I want to talk about what I already know, what has been enforced on a regular basis, that men still hold all the power.
Apart from the obvious Covid issue (mate, I’ve spent the last two weeks riddled with it, so maybe think about that the next time you invade a woman’s personal space to such an extent that she feels your breath in her hair) this man did this in a public place, with lots of people around. How arrogant, how entitled, do you need to be to actually touch another person in public without fear of being called out for it?
By the time I’d registered what he’d done he was gone, he was really tall and walked fast, I couldn’t have caught up with him even if I’d wanted to, and what would I have said anyway? What did he actually do wrong? So he brushed past me, his hands on my waist, so what?
But this wasn’t in a crowded space where touching me was unavoidable, (and even if it had been it is possible to squeeze past another person without putting your hands all over them) it was on a footpath that wasn’t even crowded. I’d stopped to check the signal on my phone, stepping aside to make sure I was out of everyone’s way and I’d seen him coming towards me out the corner of my eye, he walked across the footpath to get to me, walked behind me then looped round and gone off in the direction he’d come from. I wasn’t in his path, there was no reason for him to come anywhere near me. It was like a choreographed move, like Torvill and Dean but creepy and on a pavement and without consent.
It reminded me that there will always be an imbalance of power between men and women.
Mine and my friend’s daughters are dealing with the same kind of crap that we’ve always had to deal with, and while I hope the conversations we have with them have evolved since I was a teenager and told that I attracted the wrong kind of attention because of the clothes I wore, it still makes me sad that nothing has really changed. It makes me sad that my girls and their friends aren’t surprised by this kind of thing, and that they wouldn’t even think of reporting anything because they know it either won’t be dealt with, or they won’t be believed.
Recently I read an article about the sexual misconduct allegations made against a famous actor and the comments section was depressingly predictable. But why didn’t these women say no to the older, more experienced, famous, rich actor who promised them the one thing they’d always dreamt about while also having the power to take it away from them? But hey. Let’s blame the women. That poor man, with his sex addiction, how was he to know that power dynamics might be a thing? He just set up a class to teach them how to do sex scenes, the blurred consent in that kind of situation isn’t his responsibility. It happens all the time; actors, business men, politicians, members of the Royal Family, the police, there are countless cases of men abusing their power.
Our society still enables men to feel entitled and encourages double standards.
They put us on a pedestal while constantly pulling us down. Our likes and desires are belittled and mocked. We are expected to be subservient but then are criticised for not speaking out when we are attacked. But why didn’t you say something? Why did you let him do that?
Why didn’t you stand up for yourself, they say, while telling us to calm down when we call them out on their bad behaviour. Yeah, stand up for yourselves but not when it’s us just having a laugh, just enjoying some banter, jeez, calm down, dear. Looks like someone’s having a bad day! What are you, a Karen? Is there a male equivalent of a Karen? How brainwashed are we that that even women use this term to attack another woman?
We are judged on our physical attributes yet mocked for placing importance on things like make up, and accused of being vain and shallow. Look pretty for us or we’ll post photos of your hairy armpits and messy hair across the front pages, but like, not too pretty because then we’ll turn you against each other, and don’t draw attention to yourselves because then of course men will notice you and we must protect the men from their own natural urges at all costs. Be just the right kind of pretty. Show us your tits, but only when we decide.
Not all men, they say, then lump all women together, unless we’re given the accolade of not being like other women.
You want us to like sex, but you will judge us when we do. A man has sex with lots of women? What a legend. A woman does the same? Slut.
We’re accused of being over emotional, but then are expected to do most of the emotional labour in a relationship. Our emotions are used against us whilst mens’ emotions are used as excuses for their bad behaviour.
The way women are talked about, every day, is inherently misogynistic.
“She likes her own way, but then don’t all women.” Don’t all people?? Why are men expected to be ambitious whereas ambitious women are seen as harsh and unnatural? As though you can be an ambitious woman but it has to be at the expense of being womanly and maternal. Women have to be one-dimensional; you can be attractive or clever, strong or emotional.
“Looking at how some teenage girls dress, I can see how young women get themselves into these situations.” After a year where women were told to stay inside to keep themselves safe I’d just like to remind you that we don’t get ourselves into these situations, they happen to us, whatever we’re wearing. Also, there’s a certain fucked up irony in telling us to stay at home, because, statistically, that’s where we’re most likely to be killed so what to do….
“Are you going to do that silent treatment thing that all women do?” Do all women do that? Really? Because I thought it was a running joke that women don’t shut up, so please make your mind up, are we nagging you or blanking you? Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, withholding anything in a relationship, whether that’s communication, intimacy, money, respect, is a form of abuse that both men and women are capable of.
We are judged by different standards, with different expectations. I heard some women talking recently about how they fancied someone because he has a Dad Bod. How come men get to be adorably chubby while the best we can hope for is some dodgy bloke on instagram calling us a MILF? Just a reminder, this is not a compliment, I find it really offensive. Am I supposed to be grateful that you’d deign to have sex with me despite my advanced years? Despite me being so obviously past it? Shall I rig up the pulley system now? Newsflash, of course you want to have sex with us; older women, like younger women, like all women, are bloody brilliant, it’s just unfortunate for you that we don’t take any crap so jog on.
So yes, I am finishing 2021 like I started it, being a little bit ranty and yes, I am still banging on about all of this because while things have changed, they’re not changing fast enough. And we still don’t have enough pockets.
Happy New Year to you all, stay safe and well and happy and let’s all hope that 2022 doesn’t go all Squid Games on us.
Volvo Diaries 